


Meaning

by Mickey_99



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Anger, Enochian-Speaking Sam Winchester, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Season/Series 13 Spoilers, Self-Harm, Trauma, Trauma From Lucifer's Cage (Supernatural)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-16
Updated: 2021-01-16
Packaged: 2021-03-14 01:27:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,233
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28787937
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mickey_99/pseuds/Mickey_99
Summary: Lucifer says something that doesn't sit right with Cas.
Relationships: Castiel/Gabriel/Sam Winchester, Castiel/Sam Winchester, Gabriel/Sam Winchester
Comments: 4
Kudos: 98





	Meaning

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this while very very tired. It probably sucks but here you go anyways. <3

“She took my virginity.”

Castiel glared at Lucifer. The words that had just exited his brother’s mouth had been so incredibly wrong. It made Castiel think of the months that he had spent holding Sam close whilst the other jerked and flailed, trying desperately to get phantom hands off. Phantom hands that weren’t there anymore. The months that Sam spent shooting up in bed, breathing labored and uneven. It made Castiel think of all the moments he hadn’t even been aware of, the moments before Sam allowed Castiel to lay with him at night. It made Castiel think of the times after Gabriel had joined them, and how Sam had jumped in the presence of such powerful grace. Castiel remembered the look on Gabriel’s face the first time their human lover had fallen to the ground in a blind panic, mumbling the word “no” over and over again in Enochian.

Jack stood between Castiel and Lucifer, not knowing the mental storm inside Castiel’s mind. But Cas could see that Jack felt the tension.

“I’m going to go check on something really quick,” Jack said, excusing himself momentarily, “I want to go see how Sam is doing.”

Lucifer made a move to join his son, but Castiel moved between the two. His glare still locked onto the rebellious archangel.

Lucifer huffed before rolling his eyes. “Come on Castiel,” Lucifer says annoyed. He threw his head back and looked at the Seraph exasperatedly,” What did I do this time? Is the kid not ready for the sex talk? Fine. Fine. That can wait till later.”

Lucifer makes a move to step around Castiel, but Castiel moves again to block the path.

“Really Castiel I would think you to be a bit smarter than- “

“You lied,” Castiel says, his voice dropping dangerously low,” You lied about your virginity.”

Lucifer stares at Castiel for a moment before smirking,” Castiel are you trying to say I’m a catch, and that there is no way a handsome devil like me could be a virgin all this time? Sorry bro, but no, Kelly was my first.”

Lucifer tries yet again to step around Castiel, but Castiel was having none of it.

“I know you lied,” Castiel says, anger finally making its way into his voice,” I know what you did to Sam!”

Lucifer paused before smirking again. He turns fully towards Castiel. A sick smile laid on his face. “I’m so happy he remembers our time together. But I didn’t lie. Sam just doesn’t _count_.”

Anger Castiel didn’t even know himself capable of bubbled to the surface. The words Lucifer said bounced around in his brain along with the thoughts of Sam.

How Sam had cried every night in his sleep for the past several years.

How after Cas had been possessed by Lucifer, Sam couldn’t look him in the eye.

How sometimes Sam couldn’t handle being healed by his angels because the feeling of the grace left Sam disassociating from reality. Lost somewhere deep in his own head.

How Sam would claw at his arms, trying so hard to get the feeling of _Lucifer_ off of his skin.

How Sam would quietly suffer, afraid to talk about what had happened. Afraid that his angels would find him unworthy.

How Sam would mumble in fluent Enochian while rocking himself in a corner.

Mumbling things like:

I deserved it.

No.

Please Stop.

I’m sorry.

It hurts.

Castiel remembers Gabe and himself constantly holding Sam and telling him it was going to be okay. Whispering back to Sam in gentle Enochian, because when Sam was so deep into his panic, he couldn’t understand English anymore. After 225 years in the cage, it was a wonder he even still spoke it at all.

How could Lucifer claim it meant nothing? How could he claim that Sam meant _nothing_? How could he look into Castiel’s eyes and smirk, while claiming that what he did to Sam meant _absolutely nothing_? As if the incident was erased. As if suddenly the pain and sorrow that Sam felt and went through every night was nothing but a fleeting thought.

How could he claim it meant _nothing_ , when to Sam it meant absolutely _everything_?

The thought made Castiel boil with rage, and Castiel unsheathed his angel blade and took a step forward.

“Woah woah,” Gabriel’s voice cut through the rage and Cas felt a steady hand on his shoulder,” I guess it’s good the kid came and got me. Cas, buddy, you know the angel blade won’t work on him.”

Gabriel’s voice was calm, and it should have calmed Cas down. It almost did.

“I’m honored he still thinks of me though,” Lucifer says, trying to egg the situation on,” I can’t say I don’t occasionally have my thoughts drift. Though never for long, he wasn’t that good of a bunkmate.”

Castiel raised his angel blade and took a step to lunge at Lucifer. But yet again Gabe was there. A hand was wrapped around Castiel’s wrist in an attempt to stop Castiel.

“Stop it now,” Gabriel says to Castiel,” He is trying to get a rise out of you.”

And it was working. It was working well.

“How could you say that” Castiel says glaring at Lucifer,” How could you claim that what you did means nothing!”

Castiel felt Gabriel’s hand tighten its hold around his wrist. Gabriel’s face betrayed the rage the archangel was feeling.

“Because it did mean nothing!” Lucifer says, his cuffed hands flying into the air. His voice spoke as if this was such a simple thing to understand. As if Castiel was the wrong one for not getting it. “He was there. He was some cruddy entertainment. You want me to say that my first was with some toy that got thrown in the cage with me?”

Gabriel’s grip grew impossibly tight around Castiel’s wrist. It would have been painful if Castiel hadn’t been so pissed.

“He wasn’t your _toy_ ,” Castiel says angrily,” And what you call meaningless, meant everything to him!”

Lucifer mocked a flattered face. His cuffed hands went up to his chest, as if to clutch at his heart.

“I meant something to him?” Lucifer says faking wiping away a tear,” Maybe I should try again. Might be more meaningful outside the cage.”

Lucifer didn’t even have time to blink before Gabriel had him pinned against a tree. Gabriel’s eyes glowed with a mixture of anger and grace.

“You won’t fucking touch him,” Gabriel growls.

Lucifer smirks before throwing his hands up,” Wouldn’t dream of it bro.”

Every part of Castiel screamed to kill Lucifer. To end the suffering for Sam. And yet Castiel knew, killing Lucifer would never be enough.

“Gabe,” Castiel says tiredly his anger deflating as he thought about Sam, who had been brought back from the dead by Lucifer not long before. “Let’s go to Sam. He isn’t going to change, and Sam needs us.”

There was a brief moment where no one moved. But finally, Gabe released his brother and stalked away, back to the camp where Sam was.

“Jeez,” Lucifer says annoyed,” Can’t believe you two would beat on me like that. Does family mean nothing to you?”

“No,” Castiel says,” _You_ mean nothing to us.”

Castiel turned and followed Gabriel. Quietly he let his anger simmer in his mind.

Lucifer meant nothing to them. But Sam meant everything.

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